Eating Disorders: A Teenager Needs Advice

Eating Disorders: A Teenager Needs Advice
By Dr. Jennifer Sowle

Dear Dr. Sowle

I am 16 years old and I think I think I have an eating disorder. My mom loves me very much andshe's always supported me in my dream to be a model. Ever since I can remember, my momhas tried to help me find the right clothes, talk right, and get exercise and eat in ahealthy way. Up until this year, I really thought I wanted to be a model, but now I'min my junior year of high school and I think I want to go to college to be a teacher ormaybe join the Peace Corps. I've never had a boyfriend before and now I'm going with Tim who thinks I'm beautiful whether I wear makeup or not. In fact, he says helikes the atural look. I've stopped wearing so much makeup and I've been eatingmore when I go out with Tim.

It was Tim who noticed that I hardly eat anything when I'm out. He wonders if I have a problem. His sister had anorexia and had to go away to a treatment place. He's worried about me. I'm trying to show him that I don't have anorexia like his sister, but now I feel terrible because I've been throwing up since I was 13. I feel like I should tell him, but I don't want to lose him. My mom is mad because she says I look errible and thatI'm letting myself go. I have gained a little bit of weight and Tim thinks I lookpretty. My mom keeps asking me if I'm exercising. She made a deal with me that I couldgo out more if I exercise and stop eating sweets. She had some chocolates hidden up inthe pantry and I got into them and ate some, and she found out and was really mad.

Tim is really nice and is popular and studies and is planning to go to college.His parents go to our church and are really nice too. Now my mom says I'm spendingtoo much time with Tim and wants me to limit it to once every two weeks. I don't understand why she's so mad.

I think I have bulimia. What should I do? I don't want to hurt anybody's feelings,especially my mom, but I think she's too much in my business. Everyday when I gethome, she asks about what this girl said, or that girl said. She wants to knoweverything Tim says and then gets mad when I tell her. Maybe I should just break upwith Tim so he doesn't get hurt.

Marcie

Dear Marcie:
Yes, I certainly think you do have Bulimia Nervosa. You can check the specific symptomshere on the website. If you are vomiting after you eat as part of trying to control your weight, you have a problem. It is very important for you to get help with this right away.

Up until recently, your mother has been totally in charge of your decisions. She decideswhat you should wear, eat, and do. She is way too involved and way too controlling.Part of the clinical picture for a Bulimic is an overinvolved mother. Your mother needsto get therapy to help her find a more healthy way of relating to a teenage daughter. Perhapsshe could be a part of your therapy at some point. It appears that your mother has revolved her life around you and that isn't good. She may even be trying to live her life vicariously through you. Because of this, if you don't do as she expects, she becomes frustrated and angry, and tries anything to get you back under her control. She is going to try to break up your relationship with Tim because hehas an influence on you that is running contrary to hers. I know this sounds harsh, but somebody has to say it....your mother needs to back off and let you be who you want to be.Hopefully, you will go away to college and at least create some physical distance with yourmother.

Because you have this enmeshed (too close) relationship with your mother, you have neverdeveloped an internal guide to help you make your own decisions. Now that you have Timin your life, you're now trying to please him too. The stress of being caught betweenthe needs of these two powerful people in your life could make your eating disorder worse.As strange as this seems, your eating disorder gives you a sense of control. Even thoughyou feel out of control when you're in it, it is the one thing you do have control over.This does sound strange, and that's why you need to get into therapy with somebody whounderstands the complexities of this condition. Even if you attach yourself to the therapist for awhile and try to please her, at least you will have the influence ofsomebody who has your best interests at heart. Eventually, however, the purpose of the therapy is to help you find your own inner voice which tells you what you need andwant. My guess is that you have anxiety about being perfect and not making mistakes.You mentioned that Tim is your first boyfriend and he's probably the first person outsidethe family who has had a different opinion. This can throw you into quite a turmoilon a very deep level. Depression and anxiety are probably part of what you are experiencingright now.

Check with your school and see if they can help get you a referral to a therapistor eating disorder group facilitated by a professional. The school counselor could also bea valuable mediator in approaching your mother about getting help. She will be very threatened by your seeking therapy. She will be afraid the therapist will blame her andI'm not sure her ego strength is that solid. Whatever you do, do not take responsibilityfor the feelings of these loved ones. It is up to them to deal with their own feelings.It's your job to focus on yourself so that you can begin to recover from this eating disorder.
Dr. Sowle

Jennifer J. Sowle, PhD is a Licensed Psychologist and Licensed Marriage and FamilyTherapist. She is also an AASECT Certified Sex Educator and Sex Therapist. Dr.Sowle has a private psychological practice in Northern Michigan.

Dr. Sowles website, http://here-to-listen.com, is an informational site which explorespsychological issues like: Depression, Anxiety, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, andEating Disorders. She also gives information on Relationships, such as conflictresolution, managing family finances, communication techniques, divorce, parenting,and sexuality. She helps in talking to your children about sex and sexual abuse andalso addresses stress, anger management, and gay and lesbian issues.

Two regular features: Ask Dr. J. and Can This Relationship Be Saved? changefrequently. The Advice Blog keeps you up to date on these changing features andgives a heads up to new information coming up on the site.

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